Three-Fourths Virgin

Lately as I've continued to cope and control my sexual urges and frustrations, I have felt I've identified myself as being "three-fourths virgin".

What I mean by that is that I've never had sex, kissed or even held the hands of a girl, but I had a deep, intensely romantic on-line relationship before that really melted my heart and made me feel whimsically dizzy each and every day. She was a Leo named Joanna Personette who we met through a wonderful site I continue to post my poetry at called Passions In Poetry. (her screenname is RosePetal there) I guess we just opened up to one another after reading each others poetry for a while, we really began to feel each other, a friendship began to develop, and then around late summer/early autumn 2001 right around the September 11th tragedy, romantic interests just spontaneously began flaring from it.

We just continued to exchange cute, romantic love poetry and instant message conversations and phone numbers to one another, dedicating each of our romantic sentiments to each other, and in a matter of months, our poetry just continued to get sexier and spicier, we sent pictures of each other through the mail, and our instant message conversations began burning with red-hot fantasy sex scripts, where we were yearning so much to finally catch a plane ride to one another and date and make these fantasies reality. Clearly I still remember New Years Eve 2002, when we were feeling so hot and on the phone we were making each others knees melt through our improvised phone sex teases. We were both young, restless spirits in love, so indeed we just let the passions and feelings consume us, and it was that evening so far in my life that I feel closest to losing my virginity.

I really thought she was madly in love with me just as I truly was with her. But by the summer of 2002, things really began to sour, when there were days Joanna was missing, and there was total communication silence, and when I'd send her letters in both e-mail and postal and call her, after days she'd finally respond and greet me lovingly, often calling me her "blue-eyed love dove". Then, by that fall, she told me she had a new boyfriend she was so very excited about, which confused me deeply and made me cry many evenings hoping she hadn't given up on me and that he was just a friend who was a boy.

I donated every blood cell in my body to make Joanna happy and profess all my love for her. My art teacher at Denver Academy saw how lovesick I was at class, thinking of her so much, and said if after school I could make an artistic gift for her, which she smiled and said she was sooooooo happy for me and because she believes "For love, anything!", I made a heart out of clay, painted it with a bunch of accrylic colors and glazed it into ceramic in the kiln, writing our initials and a short poem into the center of it. I even spent a bunch of my Christmas money that year buying her a Tigger plush toy (she said she loves tigers and Tigger is her favorite cartoon character) which I mailed to her as a Christmas gift.

Finally, right before New Years Eve 2003, I discovered the truth when Joanna was on-line, and she was screaming at me in upper-case letters when trying to talk sweet to her that she never loved me at all and accused me of lying that she ever loved me, which the poetry duets and love talk clearly do show that she did have strong feelings for me before, and it was that heartaching day that she never spoke to me again and we haven't heard from each other since.

Though this sad memory will leave a scar in my heart, I still and will always believe Joanna is a wonderful person and though I regret ever too much losing her and the special friendship I had with her, I want her to be happy ever so much and want her dreams and everything she desires to come true, as I forgive her in that we were both young and naive and long-distance relationships very rarely ever work.

But the thing that gets me most emotional about that experience was that I REALLY did love her, I did ever so much. Losing her made me envision sad daydreams of her holding my ceramic heart I made for her in anguish and shattering it to pieces on the kitchen floor. In giving so much of your heart and feelings to someone, it's as though you know you really didn't lose your virginity, but it certainly feels like you have, so I feel a fraction of mine is gone after that heartache.

I guess that's the toughest thing of being a Scorpio. I love being a Scorpio and am very proud of it, but every sign has its challenges, and often Scorpios experience pain and adversity early in their lives, which is the main reason why it is difficult for Scorpios to trust others as much as they really want. I'm making a great effort to wander the world like a free spirit, and have fully healed from my first broken heart related to love, but I just also feel often the pressure is on me, in that almost anywhere I turn I see young couples holding hands and kissing and it makes me feel pensive, if either their hormones are racing and they're rushing things, or if I'm just such a late bloomer, and I can't help but cry sometimes as that thought gets me emotional. Also, with Scorpios like me known to have so much depth, where I have much more confidence and faith in myself than ever before, but because I'm so deep, many just understandably don't have the patience to want and get to know everything about me, and so I often just have difficulty to connect with others and tend to get withdrawn from the center of activity. Guess fewer just have the full patience in listening to the poet.

There used to be a time where I refused to accept being a Scorpio, because Charles Manson is one and really has left a lot of misinterpretations and bad raps about Scorpios in general in his wake. I didn't want to be seen as someone who advocates murders of pregnant actresses and solicits prostitution, and it broke my heart in that people may think of me as that just because I happened to be born under the sign of Scorpio. So you can see how much courage it takes for us Scorpios to rise above the bad raps and profess our love of being one! LOL! (giggles)

Julia Roberts was really the person that made me feel wonderful about being a SCorpio. I learned more about the negative myths of Scorpios, helped to see beyond them, and get to understand the true values of being one. Julia Roberts is not only one of my favorite actresses, but also has a wonderful personality who really cares about her fans unconditionally, in signing many autographs for the fun of it to helping advocate many charity efforts to just being the all-around Eagle Scorpio she is, a true, graceful, philanthropic woman. She helped me realize every sign has its extremes and they can cause all that insane behavior like Charles Manson's and that if we can simply channel our energy and virtues in a disciplined, positive manner, no matter what sign you're born under, you will excel and all your dreams will come true! :)

I guess my emotions and sexual frustrations have just been getting the best of me. Once the desire seeped into my bloodstream like water, then it became wine, now it feels as thick as syrup and I can't even begin to fathom how it'll feel when it becomes sangria. That is mainly why my poetry has had more extreme emotions; with all this hot desire arousing in me, I'm just trying to find an artistic outlet to let some of it out so it doesn't make me feel dizzy and confused! :)

I'm going to make the best effort not to let this trouble or get to me, as I am indeed overall a happy, optimistic, sexy Scorpio, but all I really want is to open up to others and find a girl or several who I can become just friends with, get to know and appreciate them for everything they are and just do some sorting and testing until I find the most special girl among them who will truly make my Scorpio heart skip beats forever! :) I guess I'm just feeling a little emotional in that I haven't met any girls yet, even held one's hand, and I want to ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever so much! (sigh)

There's a Scorpio saying that goes, "The poorest Scorpio man in the world is looking for his future wife. 'She must be a natural woman of virtue, because I'm not.' Scorpio man says. 'If you know where is she, please let me know.'" I guess I'm that Scorpio right now, but believe with all my heart she is often just around the corner and very soon I will finally feel this love I have dreamed and longed for ever so much! :)

:) Just your three-fourths virgin wishing y'all a wonderful evening! :) Hope y'all are getting ready for National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day this Saturday, come equipped with a clothespin for your nuzzle! :)

Love,
Noah Eaton
(Mistletoe Angel)
(Emmanuel Endorphin)