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Friday, August 11, 2006

The Dream Life Of Lampy The Lamport

Well, aren’t we feeling all Nac Mac Feegle today! I certainly know our fellow Fulton, Missouri residents Don and Karen Walker are in that their red-capped, knee-length bearded buddy Edgar has returned to home sweet home after being gnome-napped for over two months, from the end of May through last Sunday, when he was returned by a stranger with 56 photographs, all featuring his truly in all his lil’ escapades out West, along with an anonymous note which read the following:


“My friend and I apologize if we caused you any undue worry due to the loss of your gnome. He is no doubt something of high value. Rest assured, though, we took special care of him on the duration of our trip, and have had from the beginning every intention of returning him to you. Please enjoy the pictures. We have included some of our destinations (with) your gnome, who we affectionately named Edgar. Sincerely, ? & X.”


Nuh-uh, I didn’t fall asleep from watching that gnome in the Travelocity commercials again this time. This is the real deal. Yep, it is strange how a Christmas gift from your mother-in-law can suddenly become the unexpected travel narrator. But ol’ Edgar did just that, hittin’ the road in his brown boots from the Walkers’ front porch out into the True Blue with Samantha Sixpack and Chan Siu Ming, traveling across at least seven state lines (Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Utah, Arizona, Colorado and Kansas)

So what’d you say we take a brief mystical journey into our invisible Fisher Price 3D View-Master, and reel past just some of the Reel Cards of Edgar’s misadventures. Just sit back and then, try to picture this intense imagery and then run the images through your mind like triptychs from top to bottom really fast as if it was a negative film of a cartoon. God Bless William Gruber, he's a true genius, for among all those children's classics out there, the View-Master will never grow obsolete as the films just keep coming! Crreeaaaakkkk...TWANG!!! Slide 1: Oh, lookey, there's me with a pecan log from Stuckeys! Crrreeeaaaakkkkkk...TWANG!!! Slide 2: Hehehe, check out that low-rider bicycle! Here, you take it from here! TWAANNGGG!

Slide 1: Aye, here I am at the Kansas-Colorado border! Would you believe they have a town named Kanorado here? When I first stepped foot into town for a twenty-two ounce flask of Zauberlinda Jelly, I was so shy I wish there was a toadstool I could hide behind. But ohhhhh, Kanorado is such a small, friendly town. They let me hop aboard this Drover Rail Car that is over a hundred years old, treated me to the Piper At The Gates Of Dawn Special at the Little Butterfly Café, and have even invited me to their Christmas party at the post office later this year. Aye, parting is such sweet sorrow, but the Centennial State should provide plenty more colorful odes, ho ho!

Slide 2: Holy Kallikantzaroi! Who knew you could be the visitor of four states at once? Aye, if I wanted I could construct a tall pole exactly where the corners of all four states touch, build a little glass dome castle on top of it, and I could obtain legal residence to all four states! Ahhhhh…imagine having the Arizona sun at my back, the Utah sand dunes at my sight, that New Mexico enchantment enhance my imagination and those Colorado colors imbue my dreams! How I fancy that!

.......and so on! Just keepin' it Reel, y'all! LOL! Yep, word has it that Edgar also has a taste for the eccentric, including sharing a moment with the World’s Largest Prairie Dog in Colby, Kansas, spending a night under the stars with the Klingons at Area 51, and visiting Oakley, Kansas as well, home to the six-legged steer, a five-legged cow, a Russian wild boar, and Roscoe the miniature donkey. Apparently, he also lost some innocence at one point in his epic journey, when he was caught red-mitten gloved underneath a sign for the Boom Boom Cabaret, a famous topless club in Amarillo, Texas.

Edgar also made his share of friends beyond the beaten path, including a toll-booth worker on the Kansas Turnpike, and a biker decked in black paused to take a snapshot with him before riding off on his motorcycle. Just the sorts of faces that would even make Amelie glow green with envy!

Yep, ever since Edgar has returned home for well-deserved relaxation from his cross-country voyage, he has remained stonily quiet about his summer adventure, just lettin’ those pictures do the talking. Also to his delight, he now has a little brother added to his family, who has been standing in the very spot he was in part of the two months he was away. Perhaps someday his new little brother will be on a trip of his very own, and can have lots of exciting anecdotes to tell Edgar in the coming years. Rumor has it his lifelong dream is to visit Nome, Alaska! (giggles)

It remains a mystery what tempted Edgar to leave his garden home? One theory is that the Blue Fairy whispered the idea in his ear, a second suggests he was a fan of Bilbo Baggins and wanted to emulate his famous journies. Yet another theory is that he has been longing liberation, and in a clandestine manner contacted the Garden Gnome Liberation Fronts, or GGLF; an organization that “stand for the liberation of garden gnomes." that believes that each of these plastic gnome statues have spirits within, as well as human rights, and take them, leave them in the woods with claim tickets, smash the plastic statues, and let their spirits free from their material exterior, where their spirits return to Mother Nature and the woods. However, in an attempt to reach the envoy, a counter-GGLF group, Mischievious Melismatics For Gnome Globetrotting, beat them to the clock and foiled their coup. (giggles)

And yes, there really is a Garden Gnome Liberation Front, which is largely an underground movement as their primary methods of liberation often subvert local trespass and property laws. There is also a separate but related group, which goes by the name Free The Gnomes, a legitimate political wing of the subversive Garden Gnome Liberation Front, which seeks to further the rights of gnomes around the world through legal, non-violent means. The fundamental premise of this and most Garden Gnome Liberation groups is that Gnomes, like humans, have an inalienable right to freedom, and have a mission core belief that forcing Gnomes to stand in gardens without just compensation and against their free will is equivalent to slavery, thus is immoral. One such refuge for freedom loving gnomes is the European Gnome Sanctuary in Barga, Tuscany. Of course, there are others who believe that Garden Gnomes are non-sentient, and that concern for their well-being are exaggerated, as depicted in the campaign Gnomes In Space.

Anyway, wanna bet that Edgar’s little brother will be named David? LOL! Remember that cartoon, “David The Gnome”? I used to watch that often as a little boy on Nickelodeon, which is based on the children’s books written by Rien Poortvliet and Wil Huygen. David is probably one of my earliest influences to my pacifist beliefs, in that David was that kind of guy who believed goodness would always prevail eventually, and had a heart full of faith that together each gnome would play their faithful roles. I miss that lil’ sage sooooooooo much, but his theme song lyrics of wisdom shall forever be penned in my heart:


"Look around you.
There are many things to see,
that some would say could never be.
These things I know.
It's true and I will tell you so.
They are there to see, if you believe.

Trolls and wizards and fairy kings,
birds that talk and fish that sing.
And if your heart is true, then you will find them too.
In every wish and dream and happy home,
you will find a kingdom of the Gnomes."


So I ask y’all, as Granny D says, to let your spirits soar, for she says, “Our joy is our longbow!”, and may we let our joy travel about like David on his trusty fox Swift, who we can summon just by whistling! (giggles) David For President, Edgar For The Department Of Folklore! :)

Noah Eaton
(Mistletoe Angel)
(Emmanuel Endorphin)


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